My Film – CS

My film is going to be set in the second world war, but it won’t be about the war.

It will take place in a universe where war has never existed. Then the second world war comes around and everyone is like… why would we ever do this? Why would we ever make war instead of love, man? What is this? Our universe has never known war, a central condition of the human race as we know it?I don’t understand what this is, man, or how my universe is different from the world war two universe.

It’s a weirdly defined premise, you know?

My characters have serious structural concerns about my film, and never hesitate to voice them. In any case, war is a crime, and a war criminal is the dashing hero of my story. He gets the girl in the end, but she is too good looking for him and he feels a little insecure some of the time, so is it really a happy ending?

According to my narrative, absolutely.

I do not pass judgment on any of the characters in my film, least of all the bigots. There are a lot of jokes about just being the big(ot)-er man in my script… I would say about 95% of the dialogue. “Beleaguered, strangely effeminate, and ultimately foolish. A strange medley of (metaphorical) adult circumcisions and, well, not much else… a grudging five out of three thousand stars” is the review I gave my own film.

It is out now on VHS exclusively, but unfortunately I only have one copy. The title is “Saving Ryan’s Privates”. Apparently this is a pun, but I am very religious and do not understand what it means.


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