The War on Fun – MS

Yes, there is such a thing. A war on fun is being fought on the hallowed grounds of our Purple Valley, and has been for quite some time.

Before you choose to read no further, let me back up a little and assure you that I am merely following the FOX News method of grabbing some attention.

What I am trying to say is that the college’s responsibility to protect itself from the liability issues associated with underage/binge drinking and the student body’s slakeless thirst constitute two inherently opposed forces.

From the college’s perspective it would be legally foolish not to do everything in its power to prevent students from hurting themselves . Yet in my experience this attitude has led to some fairly ridiculous outcomes, and a generally suspicious attitude towards all students engaged in merriment.

I wish to tell you a story about an encounter with college officials that I had last year. In this interaction I was accused of grand theft auto without a shred of evidence. My ride for the evening was, in the words of the security guard present, a “Plastic car, two feet high, pink, distinguishing attributes: two blondes and a brunette on the hood. Assumed top speed: 5 mph.” The trio of women was painted on, I should add.

The officer assumed the car was stolen in the same way he assumed the car’s top speed (6 mph going downhill, actually). We inquired into our charge and were told that the car being pink didn’t help our case, and that camouflage would have been a better color choice. Typical.

Continuing the conversation, we told the officer that the automobile was in fact ours and that we were happy to prove it. The officer, however, was more interested in finding out whether we had registered it with security. Recall the description of the car and think about that last sentence; why would the college be interested in maintaining a record of the ownership of a toy? Seeming a little unsure of how to proceed, the officer then called for backup. A few minutes later, backup arrived in full force and began its interrogation that quickly devolved into the student half of the conversation having an increasingly difficult time holding back a long overdue laughter. Though the officers did not confiscate the toy, they did force us to drive it back to its ‘garage’.

Why am I sharing this story? Because I believe it reflects the attitude that the college has towards those amongst us who choose to publicly enjoy ourselves: a baseless assumption of guilt enforced by a largely clueless bureaucracy that attempts to regulate every element of social life. Yes, it is pretty weird for two young adult men to drive a pink toy car, but if it gets you from A to B- why not? The car didn’t survive for too long, but it has since been replaced and I made sure to take heed of the security officer’s advice to choose a less girly color this time.

Maybe this time I can drive down the street without being another casualty in the war on fun.

-MS

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