Survey Says Freshman Girl Could Have Done Better At Homecoming Dance – Quentin Cohan

PARESKY CENTER–A blind survey of 250 freshmen revealed that there is a consensus among the class of 2018 that Rachel Seles could have, and should have, gotten with somebody better than the boy she did–one Arnold Pfeiffer. According to sources who preferred to remain anonymous because of fear of retribution, Ms. Seles is considered a “catch” by members of her class, and “one of those girls who is fun, pretty, well-liked by students and professors alike, and always stops to chat with friends.” According to those same sources, Mr. Pfeiffer is not as highly considered. “He wears bean boots and a Patagonia fleece a lot,” one source told, “which are fine or whatever, but in terms of style, personality, or looks he’s nothing special. Honestly, he’s kind of a squid.”

According to eyewitnesses, the two were dancing when Seles’ friends attempted to pull her away, but she objected and moments later was seen trading saliva with Mr. Pfeiffer. Arnold’s JA Joe Dyja admitted that Pfeiffer “is a nice guy, but sometimes he can be a real pain. He tends to get really stressed about the most insignificant assignments and is in general pretty insecure. I often get calls from other JAs when he gets sick and pukes in somebody else’s entry, stuff like that. That Rachel, though–she’s hot stuff. I know what they say about JAs and frosh… but damn.”

Before this incident, Seles was last seen playing tonsil hockey with junior tennis player Wayne Stevens. A friend of Ms. Seles summed up the situation best: “Rachel has gotten with really attractive guys like Wayne, you know, so why she’d go from that–an upperclassmen athlete–to a freshman nonner is beyond all of us. Live and let live, I guess.”

Leave a Comment