Taking part in a combined press conference on Monday, members of College Council discussed just how cool they felt to be at the center of Williams College’s latest political scandal.
“I never in a million years thought I’d be using words like ‘interim’ and ‘annulment’ seriously,” said CC president Erica Moszkowski (‘15). “I had just finished season three of House of Cards when the Record published its op-ed and my first thought was ‘Here we go, Ms. President’. [double-taps podium with fist]”
CC representative Jochebed Bogunjoko (‘16) echoed Moszkowski’s sentiments, saying, “At first, I thought nothing of the piece. I mean, it started with the usual “We at the Record” spiel and at that point I figured I could basically write the piece myself. What would I have needed to do, right? Probably just chuck in the word “commend ” on there and then write thousands of words no one gives a shit about. But then I finished reading it and I knew that I could totally be like Heather Dunbar from House of Cards.”
Members of CC’s Elections Supervisory Committee (ESC) were unanimous in agreeing that their incredibly cynical interpretation of both Meghana Vunnamadala’s text messages and the relevant bylaw would have been impossible before the release of Netflix’s edgy political drama. “I was so fucking pumped to even be close to a political controversy that I almost puked,” said Matthew McNaughton, VP for Operations (‘16), “Seriously guys, seriously. Comparing a few texts that encouraged people to vote with things like tearing down campaign posters and campaign finance fraud was inspired by Frank, Claire, Remy, and the gang.”
“I got to talk about ‘free and fair elections’ as if men stood at the polling places with weapons and told people to vote for Teddy and Meghana,” said Moszkowski gleefully. “There is no way that I would have blown what amounts to a few text messages that actually had no impact on the outcome so out of proportion had I not been riding a House of Cards high. I talked about deriving legitimacy in an election where a laughably few number of students voted and a ton of races were uncontested! That’s some Frank Underwood-type shit right there ladies and gents. [turns to face the camera] The road to power is paved with hypocrisy, and casualties.”
When asked why CC was concerned primarily with the results of an election that, even without the texts in question, was a clear victory, and not the unimpressive turnout, Ellen Finch, VP for Student Affairs (‘16) said, “Lookit – I know the ballot is basically hand-delivered to every student of this college and that it literally, quite literally, takes five minutes to complete, but whatever. We’re not here to discuss the alarming political apathy of Williams students and how CC can be changed to fix that sort of stuff. Ask me what it was like to be part the Most Awesome CC Meeting EVER instead.”
“Look, long story short, if we all don’t watch House of Cards, Teddy and Meghana are co-presidents right now and we don’t have two more full weeks of tight political controversy,” said Lia Lee, VP for Operations (‘17). “But after how that ended, none of us can wait for season four, and now we have at least a few months of shit to keep us occupied.”