Re: “A Statement From the College Council Co-President-Elect” – Phil ‘Paul’ Sull ’14

Dear Teddy,

(Let me guess, named after Teddy Roosevelt – one of America’s many lauded unrepentant white supremacist leaders.


I’ll examine your benighted mewling line by line, as without a clear structure to express itself, my anger would erupt into a gaseous cloud and potentially damage my Macbook Pro.


“The discussion, which lasted for nearly five hours, was incredibly productive.”

Really? Productive after just five hours? That’s barely enough time to scratch the surface of the emotional and political ramifications of your heinous actions. I bet they gave you water and bathroom breaks like nobody’s business too – which I’m sure you expected as part of your white privilege. How’d long did you really spend in that room, Teddy? Four hours and fifty-five minutes? Four and forty-five after a long dump? Huh, Teddy? HUH?


“I know an apology will not be enough, but I can’t take back what I’ve done.”

No. It is not enough. It is not even close to enough. After seeing a photo of you wearing a Mariachi costume I wept out 5 percent of my entire body mass. Then I called my entire extended family and they wept out 3 percent, 2 percent, and 0.5 percent respectively (dependent on immediacy of relation and percent Latino ethnicity).

Are you going to buy me the Poland Springs to replace my water weight? Are you going to buy my family the little miniature Poland Springs to replace theirs?  Well, are you, Teddy?

The only thing I can think of to begin to remedy this situation is to hire a Mariachi band to come into school dressed up as you. They would play a variety of songs insulting you on Paresky main-stage, while cruelly mimicking your mannerisms/ imitating your dress-sense.

Alternatively, Latino students could post images of themselves wearing traditional Klezmer/ Gaelic folk-band clothing – I don’t know if your last name is Irish or Jewish. We could do both just to be sure. Then you would know the horror of seeing someone from a different culture temporarily wearing clothing specific to a musical subculture of your own. The unspeakable, immeasurable, irredeemable horror.

I  searched this on google and nearly threw up:

Once we sort you out, then it’s on to each and every one of these criminal white-supremacist perpetrators. They will pay for their crimes. It’s just a question of crunching some meta-data and making smart travel plans.


“Please contact me if you would like to talk, whether that means meeting independently or meeting with your student group.”

Yes, please meet me down by the playing-fields at sunset. Right at the back, near the woods. Don’t bring a cell-phone and don’t tell anyone you’re going. In fact, I’ll bring my “student group” too. Bring all the cash you own and wear something that won’t impede the impact of multiple baseball bats.

In conclusion:

You have a long, long way to go, Teddy, before you begin resembling a decent, progressive person. You have a closed mind, and for that reason I, and other open-minded people, feel no guilt in crushing your opinions into dust because they are objectively wrong.

However, despite my bottomless fury, I do appreciate you showing the awareness that you need to change – like a tiny, stupid baby recognizing that shitting itself in the car isn’t cool.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am in the middle of organizing a political march against the modern white-supremacist entity known as


12 thoughts on “Re: “A Statement From the College Council Co-President-Elect” – Phil ‘Paul’ Sull ’14

  1. This will be brief but I think it gets the point across. I don’t know you Paul, I don’t know how you think, I don’t know what your background is (other than the fact that you are self-labelled as Latino). But even so, I don’t think you’d like me deprecating your self-worth (you came just short of calling the man inferior), or making a poorly veiled threat about kicking your ass. You’re angry, and I understand. But Christ man, who died and made you king? Go reevaluate your words: you should feel ashamed of how hypocritical you come off as (i.e. “I don’t deserve to be racially stereotyped but it’s okay for me to make a very harsh judgment of a person based off of one action when I don’t even know the underlying motivations”).

    Oh and P.S. before you inevitably respond with “you’re just another white supremacist,” I’m a PoC.

  2. Phil, I commend you for your bravery in investigating the hate group Spirit Halloween. I am deeply saddened that it has taken so long for someone to reveal their sickening behavior.

  3. Mr Phil Sull,
    Thank you for attempting to speak out with such courage and honesty to support those oppressed on this campus.

    I appreciate your efforts, but I must condemn your whiteness. It is clear in your use of the euphemism “white supremacist” that you do not actually view all of the whites as “white devils”, and as such you yourself are perpetuating heteronormative white patriarchy. We may be dumb, Phil, but we can still see the spies like you among us attempting to burn our heritage to clear the land for your plantation.

    I must also alert you that our group has upgraded our weaponry from baseball bats to Mayan spears. The baseball bat represents white hegemony and hence must not be used for any equality-promoting activity.

    As a gringo, your best course of action is likely to kill yourself. We must take such small but important steps to make this world into a more equal place where no one is judged by the color of their skin. Feel free to wire me your tuition money so I can keel rollin’.


  4. The fact that people did not pick up on the satire and thought that someone would write this in all seriousness is alarming.

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