Survey Reveals CSS Officers Tired of Being Treated Like “Frankensteins” – Quentin Cohan

HOPKINS HALL – A recent anonymous survey of the Williams College Safety and Security staff revealed that a number of the crew feel misunderstood by the student body due to the misinformed impression that when they arrive at parties they are there to break them up, when they are actually there “because we just want to kickback and have a good time. We were kids once too after all.”

Some security officers acknowledged that they enjoyed the sadistic and often haphazard manner in which they destroyed student gatherings, but some admitted to feeling not just bad about it, but actually to feeling left out and hurt by the students. “It’s like I’m Frankenstein or something,” one officer told this reporter, “I show up to the party and everybody just glares at me like they don’t want me there, and then you guys all run away. And that hurts, you know? I can run train at pong or play chandies or whatever, but nobody ever lets me.”

Some officers noted frustration with the mandatory uniform but that attempts to change it to something more party-friendly were met with staunch resistance. “I wanted to go to cat fiesta party in Gladden earlier this year in my Garfield costume–I mean when else am I going to wear that, right?–but DB told me I had to go in official CSS uniform or else I’d get the rugby treatment. I wasn’t going to test that kind of threat, so I went as required and, of course, everybody ran! What the actual fuck?”

In an attempt to foster friendship with students, CSS is planning on hosting parties, which they will attend, on the first Friday of every month in either Goodrich or Greylock. In this reporter’s humble opinion, however, it seems unlikely that anybody will attend.

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