Spring Street Jews – Quentin Cohan

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Monday 2-23-15

11:42 a.m. Pappa Charlie’s: Security was called to escort out of the deli a student who was accosting the staff over an issue with the patron’s breakfast sandwich. The student had ordered a bagel with nova lox and cream cheese, but received gravlax instead. The server claimed the salmon was nova, but the student said his palette was very refined and could detect otherwise. … Read more

Mountain Day to be Replaced with Mission Hill Day – Jonny Gonzalez

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This year saw one of the College’s most beloved traditions take a fatal blow by the powers-that-be. Citing damage to the ice from salt and dirt from students’ shoes, the administration decided that Broomball as we know it shall be no more. In its place is a sad attempt to capture the magic that Broomball originally provided.  … Read more

Spring Concert Replaced with Campus-Wide Panel on Tolerance, Diversity – Story Ponvert

In a recent announcement, ACE Concerts, in partnership with the Williams College administration and College Council, has revealed that the annual spring concert will, in 2015, be replaced with a panel and series of seminars featuring college faculty, students, and guest speakers’ thoughts on the meaning of diversity at Williams. Titled Waka Flocka Came: Williams Reflects on Music and Controversy,” the event will begin with a series of spoken word performances by students reacting to last year’s spring performance by the popular Atlanta rapper.

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German Students Claim Hamburgers are Cultural Appropriation – Jonny Gonzalez

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The unlikely culprit of a recent cultural appropriation scandal in our dining halls.

WHITMAN’S DINING HALL – Recently, several students have stepped forward claiming that they take offense at the college’s decision to feature hamburgers as a regular meal option in its dining halls. These students of various German backgrounds consider the appropriation of the food item culturally insensitive and a flagrant mockery of their heritage. “It just sickens me to see hamburgers on the menu almost every day. I bet most of the people who eat them have never even been to Hamburg,” claimed one particularly angry student who has chosen to remain anonymous. Upon further investigation, this reporter discovered that the student in question isn’t even from Hamburg. When confronted, the student responded, “Well, Lauenberg is a suburb. It’s only an hour away. I visited Hamburg a lot growing up, though.”

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A Call for a New CC — Matt Davies ’17 and Graham Buchan ‘17

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We walk amongst you. “Isn’t he that kid from Minnesota? No—Alaska.” The Canadian students’ experience here at Williams can be summed up in that small anecdote. The fact is, most Williams students, seemingly headed towards the top of their fields, can’t identify us from the rest of the populace as we walk from class to class, clothed in toques and flannels—apologizing to everyone who accidentally bumps into us. Though not entirely our experience, the following has been compiled from a series of interviews with fellow ‘hosers’ who were asked to describe how they felt being a Canadian at the College. No longer will we be shunned watching TSN alone on our computers while the common room is dominated by whatever college sport the season dictates you Americans watch. These are the confessions of the Canadian student’s experience.

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‘82 Date Night Created to Boost Marriage Statistics – Jonny Gonzalez

Adam Falk has been adamant that he stands on no particular side when controversy tarnishes this campus. That all changed this year. “Bloomberg, the hate crimes, the infamous cereal fiasco. All nothing compared to the shocking news I just discovered. Our alumni marriage statistics are at an all time low!” After the discovery that Ephs don’t actually marry other Ephs at a rate of 40%, Falk has spearheaded the movement to get numbers back up. “There were several proposals at first. I even suggested utilizing my signature move – having a forum on the topic. In the end we decided the best option was Date Night at our swankiest establishment, the ‘82 Grill.”

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Survey Says Freshman Girl Could Have Done Better At Homecoming Dance – Quentin Cohan

PARESKY CENTER–A blind survey of 250 freshmen revealed that there is a consensus among the class of 2018 that Rachel Seles could have, and should have, gotten with somebody better than the boy she did–one Arnold Pfeiffer. According to sources who preferred to remain anonymous because of fear of retribution, Ms. Seles is considered a “catch” by members of her class, and “one of those girls who is fun, pretty, well-liked by students and professors alike, and always stops to chat with friends.” According to those same sources, Mr. Pfeiffer is not as highly considered. “He wears bean boots and a Patagonia fleece a lot,” one source told, “which are fine or whatever, but in terms of style, personality, or looks he’s nothing special. Honestly, he’s kind of a squid.”

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Downtrodden Sophomore Checks Forbes, U.S. News for Fourth Time this Week – Story Ponvert

Anyone standing in front of the Chapin Hall steps Friday morning between the hours of 10:00 and 11:00 A.M. may have been unknowingly witness to a sorry sight: second-year Williams student Adam Gumbrecht sitting on the steps, discreetly using his iPhone to page through the Forbes and U.S. News & World Report college rankings, with the hopes of reassuring himself of his value in this world before the physics test he was taking at 11:00 completely destroyed his self-esteem once again. Mr. Gumbrecht had initially been delighted when the rankings released earlier this year had validated his choice of college, and he kept Williams’ #1 spot firmly in mind when he returned in September to the school where, the year before, he hadn’t been successful in classes or making friends, having in fact spent countless sleepless nights wondering whether it would ever feel like the right place for him.

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Investigation Reveals Fatal Error in 2006 Mission Quinoa Order – Sam Austin ’14

MISSION PARK – A recent investigation at Mission Dining Hall revealed an error in an old order for quinoa, the Mexican grain known for being rich in protein and fiber.

Investigators report that the mistake in the order – placed in October 2006 – resulted in a surplus quantity of quinoa in the magnitude of ten thousand. This slip-up proved fatal when the quinoa, delivered too quickly, ended up crushing a Mission chef. “We were hearing a lot about quinoa,” a dining hall source reports, “so we thought we’d try to order some for a dinner to see how people liked it. Well someone must have typed a bunch of extra zeroes because we ended up ordering like five truck fulls of the stuff. We were knee deep in quinoa for a week. One of the chefs drowned.”

Investigation revealed that the surplus quinoa was eventually stored in empty singles in Dennett Basement and has been served ever since. “Sometimes students come in joking and acting surprised about the quinoa,” the source said. “For me, it’s no joke. I still have nightmares.”